Megret on Motherhood

I hate the way that sounds...."I need to find myself." I didn't actually say this during those unsettling years of high school (or even college), but I'm sure I thought it. I never even fathomed that "this" would hit me again as I near 30. Turns out, I'm not alone. I have been trying to redefine my roles lately.....as a daughter, as a sister, as a mother, as a wife, as a friend. (Wow. Those ARE a lot of hats to wear.) I feel torn in a thousand different directions sometimes. Sometimes I need to be babied. Sometimes I feel the desire to baby others. Sometimes I need to be strong. Sometimes I need to cry. Sometimes I need to hold others while they cry. Sometimes I need to have "me" time. Sometimes I need connection with others. It's a neverending continuum, and it's confusing....it's exhausting, I'll admit it. Struggling to make sense of it all, I sat down with a friend last week and began to sort through my feeling...

.....I got a little overwhelmed yesterday. It was a melancholy day, anyway, rainy and 50 degrees all day long. I had planned to stay inside the whole day, which sometimes is a welcome respite....but yesterday, getting out and about would have been glorious. I had one of my "bad" days pregnancy-wise, and Gardner had one of his irritable days. I'm still not sure what causes those....I understand we can all have "our days." I don't know whether it's because he's an hour short on sleep, whether it's a molar pushing through, or whether it's just that he gets bored and stir-crazy (like me sometimes). Either way, it's not fun for either of us. I have been having weird headaches with this pregnancy, which I didn't have the first time. The only thing that makes them "go away" is a nap (well, not go away entirely, but it lets me escape them for 45 minutes or however long I snooze). I was ten seconds away from drifting off yester...

"Don't you see that children are God's best gift? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Your enemies don't stand a chance against you; you'll sweep them right off your doorstep." (Psalm 127:3-5, The Message Bible)

Ken and I have tried to be conservative in our toy-buying for Gardner. We didn't want him to end up with too many, lest he become spoiled (or so the theory goes), OR lest we become overrun with the mass of it all. I think the latter fear has become realized. Every night, I put away every trinket, every ball, every puzzle piece, every felt piece, every MegaBlok. It never fails that I will find a plastic spoon, an arm off of a plastic monkey, or a board book in a weird location later that evening (under the dining room hutch, tossed inside our bathtub, inside one of my shoes). I laugh, yes....but deep down, I realize that these little pieces of things are beginning to infiltrate our house in a way that's downright uncontrollable. When did it come to this? The problem is that he still plays with ALL of it. Before Christmas, I sat down with a big box and swore to place every toy in it which Gardner hasn't touched in a month. After ten minutes and still holding an empty b...

When your child starts to mimic everything you do, it takes you much by surprise. One day, they're sitting there, innocently cooing and just taking it all in. Suddenly, you drop a bag of groceries and say something seemingly tame ("Oh, darn.") When your child looks up and repeats that phrase, you realize you have to shape up, and fast. (Of course, I haven't had this exact thing happen to me yet....but I've heard other parents telling of their experiences. So far, Gardner's just imitating the stuff that's okay to mimic.) I read him a book and make silly noises for the cars and trains. Minutes later, he's re-reading it to himself, making the "clang clangs" and "toot toots" and "bbbrrrrrrrs!" that I had earlier. I clap along to a certain song on the radio, and he starts to clap along to any music he hears, even musak being piped through department store speakers. I hear some good news and throw my hands in the air, tri...

Here's the first "belly shot" of Baby #2: Link

I took Gardner for his 15-month checkup today. I let Ken hold him down this time when the three shots were delivered to his little legs. I stood at his head and rubbed his hair, wiping his tears. I cried almost as much myself. I kept telling myself that this would only hurt for a little while....and the pain is relatively small compared to what might happen if I were to resist this tradition and he were to develop the full-blown illness later on. I had to remind myself that this little bit of pain was ensuring that something worse wouldn't come to visit that would hurt even greater. Sometimes we have to do preventative measures that don't feel very good (such as dental cleanings, shots, and even pore cleansing masks). Yet in the long run, it hurts a great deal less than what it might feel like if we were to neglect these things. Funny how things like this never really make it to the front of your thoughts until you become a parent and have to rationalize things to make it c...

I finally did it. I sat down and went through our thousands of computer photos that we've taken over the past year. I picked and chose the best and the greatest, and then uploaded them to Walgreen's online one-hour photo. I drove out and got them yesterday afternoon, and now I have 68 very shiny photos sitting in my kitchen. Now....the second part. To finally put all of these pics into the scrapbook. I didn't mention that I am as far behind as August of last year. This should require a lot of glue, paper, and patience. (And free time. But where in the world am I gonna get that??)

I have been so insanely busy lately that I just haven't had time to go through and keep up with the blogs that I used to enjoy reading weekly. Today, however, in honor of the pouring rain outside, I did just that. I forced myself to put tasks aside and actually read for enjoyment, and I caught up on the blogs I most enjoy....namely, motherhood blogs. If you care to see the few that I go through and read, here they are. Maybe you will want to bookmark them as your own weekly favorites, as well. A Proverbs 31 Woman Haply Thinking Happy Mom Life as a Stay at Home Mom Life With Little Women Thoughts of Home The Well-Traveled Path Wenjomatic A Day in the Life of a Stay at Home Mom

So, today we had big plans. We were excited about heading to my 2nd cousin's house about an hour away for the annual "Sunday after Christmas" family reunion that we always attend. Gardner was a peach. He even went down for a late morning nap, and so he woke up refreshed and ready to ride. Once we got there, everything changed. He wanted to play in the fireplace (which is a Colonial-style open hearth with a fire going at the time). He wanted to climb the two wooden staircases unattended. He wanted to run in the backyard, but only if we'd let him play with the barbed wire fence that lined the property. The only things he would eat without throwing were crackers and sweet potatoes. Needless to say, I was devastated. In all honesty, this was the first time I have ever been embarrassed in public because of my child's behavior. It is partly understandable that he'd have a short fuse due to his molar that's coming in right now....but it quickly became ap...

Does anyone have tips on how to keep mini-DV video tapes organized? They are piling up now, and I have them labeled well....but I have no idea where to store them for quick access. Anyone?

....seeing your child's face light up as brightly as the lights on the Christmas tree. I saw it this morning, though it was a slow fade. It was a cloudy morning, and Gardner slept late because of it. At 8:20, we heard him stirring. Two cameras in hand, we crept in and stole him from his cozy crib and brought him into the den. Wide eyes. Sleepy eyes. Wide eyes again. A soft chuckle, only one. He looked blankly at the presents before him on the loveseat. He looked at me. He looked up at Ken. He pointed to one of them. "Deeee!" (his word for anything for which he doesn't yet know) We set him down. We handed him his plastic drumsticks. He banged on the drum and it made a "pphum" sound. His eyes changed....they lit up like firecrackers. He did a shimmy dance, laughed, and began to beat the drum repeatedly with glee. I sighed and leaned back. This is great. So this is what it feels like.

....to "play Santa Claus," I mean. Today's the day. The stage is set. The closet is holding the bag full of stocking stuffers, and the unwrapped gifts from Kris Kringle himself. I absolutely cannot wait. Now I know why Mom and Dad cried as much as we did when we learned the truth. It's going to be SO much fun!! (And, as I asked Ken, why, oh why, didn't we buy something this year that needed ASSEMBLING? Christmas Eve as parents just isn't as fun without a toy or contraption to put together!)

The older Gardner grows, the more fun he is becoming. Don't get me wrong....I loved those early months when I could cuddle him and talk endlessly to him, seeing his eyes light up every time I bent near. Though he's more independent now and my times to hold him close are limited to when we watch a video together or when I rock him before bedtime, he is getting to be SO much more interactive and fun to be around! Nearly every day, I'm amazed at how quickly he mimics something I do....today it was counting to three on my fingers. Yesterday, it was learning the true art of peek-a-boo.....he rolled around on the floor he was laughing so hard. It's not just a one-sided, performance game anymore....he's now playing these games right along with me, and both of us are having the grandest time. As I look at my niece, Arianna, and see how interactive and bubbly she is at age 2-1/2, I know I have that much more to look forward to in Gardner. Pretty soon I will be able to j...

I'm pregnant, but sometimes I do forget. Now, as horrible as that might sound at first, let me explain. I was told this would happen....and it did. I have quickly learned that when you are mother for the 2nd (or more) time around, things change. Especially if you have a toddler to chase around all day. With the first baby, you obsess about EVERY symptom. You read pregnancy books cover to cover at least 10 times over the 9 months...it may even have a permanent residence on your nightstand. You honestly have nothing to do but sit around and try to imagine feeling the first kick, try your hardest to distinguish heartburn from nausea after each carefully planned out, well-balanced meal, and look at your belly twenty times a day to see if it's gotten bigger yet. This time, I am finding myself saying at the end of the day, "Oh, yeah. I'm pregnant!" I smile and pat my belly, so thankful still. Just when I enter that "zone," that blissful state (cue orch...

I don't know if I've started a bad habit or not, but tonight it became necessary for me to deviate from the dinnertime norm a bit. Gardner has been high-strung this week. I mean, abnormally so. Running nonstop, running back and forth, touching everything, saying "hi" to everything (and everyone, and every cat), and just pretty much expending all of his energy (or hibee-jibees, as Mom called it growing up) as best he can. I can barely keep up. Tonight, he was doing just fine at the dinnertable. Ken walked in. Gardner got so excited....he really missed him since he's been away for a day and a half, only seeing him for a brief 10 minutes before Ken left for work this morning. He figited, he twisted, he turned. He shoved his half-full plate towards me and said, "Diii, diii!" ("All done.") I gave in. I unbound the little sprite and let him run full-fledgingly to his daddy. Ken and I proceeded to start our dinners; Gardner took up the runni...

After three days of testing with a total of nine (yes, NINE) home pregnancy tests, it's official. The Wilsons are going to be a family of four come August 2006. We're still in a bit of a state of shock, but giddy with glee nonetheless. It all worked out with perfect timing, with our children being 23 months apart (what I was hoping for....literally to the month). I actually found out way earlier this time around, so I was understandably uncertain. I have spent hours online, searching medical sites, posting on forums....the verdict by all was "a line is a line, no matter how faint." There's definitely a line. See for yourself. So why is it, then, that people like me still don't believe it after NINE consecutive tests showing the same thing? Am I unrealistically thinking that if I just tested ONE more time, the line would darken suddenly to a dark red? Improbable. Yet my Type-A personality shone through brilliantly in this case, and therefore, I tested again. An...

There are songs with this theme within their words. It's true. A child, like no one else, is mesmerized at Christmastime. There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to eat, so much to take in. Especially if, like Gardner, a child is taking it all in for the first time. (We are counting this year as his "first" Christmas, since his 2-1/2 month-old-self was unaware of the activities last holiday season.) I see it in his face when we're at the mall and he sees Santa Claus waving at him from his throne-looking chair. I see it when he points upward at a storefront tree, decked out in lights. "Teee!" he cries. I see it when he squats down to peer at all of the presents underneath the branches....somehow knowing he's not to touch them till the 25th. The wonderment, the naivete, the innocence is so pronounced. It rubs off on me, and I know it rubs off on others....even the scrooges. I saw it today as he made a lady behind us in line break into smile, replac...

I feel as if I give Gardner the utmost attention, catering to his every need before he even knows that he needs it, whatever it may be. Other days, like today, I feel slack. Feeling unwell, I struggled to make it through today, much less excel in the tasks set before me. Gardner was a trooper, doing so well at playing at his own when Mommy needed to sit down and rest for a while. Thank goodness for those lovely times when he is content just to sit in my lap and let me read books to him....quiet time for both of us is good. I know I cannot be Supermom, not just everyday, but at all. I'm human. There are some days when I feel as if I'm aspiring towards it, though. Then a day like today comes in with a slam and reminds me how mortal I am. I guess every mom struggles with those fleeting feelings of inadequacy. There's always the push to be better tomorrow. One thing I do know. No matter how rushed or rough our day may be, if I make time to sit down with him and read him a Bibl...

I found this out today. Everything is either too old (age-appropriate-wise), too big, too easy for him to eat or put in his mouth, too sugary, too salty, too expensive, too cheap, too tacky. But I had SO much fun researching and then searching for these tiny treasures to fill his stocking. I now know why Mom always said she had more fun filling our stockings than buying our other gifts....it was in the stockings that you can hide the most surprises, things that you pick out on your own, not things that your kids ask you to get them. I exited the store with a bag of things which made me smile with satisfaction.....finished and behind me. Gardner sat right in the shopping cart, looking sweetly at me in his little peacoat, not having a clue what all I just bought. This oblivious age sure is easy! I can remember some of the most fabulous stocking stuffers among my growing up years....they stick like glue to my memory. Slinkies, silly putty, little stick-on earrings, peel-off nail poli...