Finding myself....sounds cliche

I hate the way that sounds...."I need to find myself." I didn't actually say this during those unsettling years of high school (or even college), but I'm sure I thought it. I never even fathomed that "this" would hit me again as I near 30. Turns out, I'm not alone.

I have been trying to redefine my roles lately.....as a daughter, as a sister, as a mother, as a wife, as a friend. (Wow. Those ARE a lot of hats to wear.) I feel torn in a thousand different directions sometimes. Sometimes I need to be babied. Sometimes I feel the desire to baby others. Sometimes I need to be strong. Sometimes I need to cry. Sometimes I need to hold others while they cry. Sometimes I need to have "me" time. Sometimes I need connection with others. It's a neverending continuum, and it's confusing....it's exhausting, I'll admit it.

Struggling to make sense of it all, I sat down with a friend last week and began to sort through my feelings just a little bit. We talked surface....what's down deep inside is still brewing, and I'm craving knowledge like never before. I'm armed with Christian-authored books on the subject. I'm armed, of course, with God's Word. I'm armed with prayer, both mine and others'. I'm also committed to writing about this journey once I'm surefooted and on my way again.

The whole thing is this: I don't want to be always caught up in the details. I don't want to be bogged down in the mundane. It's easy to ignore all except "the everyday" when you're a mom....especially a housewife and a mom solely. I don't want my soul to reach elsewhere for fulfillment when there is plenty to be had right where I stand, if I'd only search for it.

To quote a well-made movie, though it's a questionable one theme-wise, I didn't want to end up bitter, muttering phrases like Francesca's in "Bridges of Madison County:" "When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move..."

Maybe this doesn't make sense to any of you. Maybe it does. Maybe there are other young moms reading this who "get it." I am only sharing what God is starting to do in my life, and hoping that someone will be able to relate, just a little bit if any at all.

I plan to share with you more as my journey unfolds (and why am I calling it "journey?" Too many cliches in one square inch!).

It's a good thing. I know it is. I feel God's sweet winds of inward change all around me, breaking my exterior to pieces.

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