Megret on Motherhood

I hate the way that sounds...."I need to find myself." I didn't actually say this during those unsettling years of high school (or even college), but I'm sure I thought it. I never even fathomed that "this" would hit me again as I near 30. Turns out, I'm not alone. I have been trying to redefine my roles lately.....as a daughter, as a sister, as a mother, as a wife, as a friend. (Wow. Those ARE a lot of hats to wear.) I feel torn in a thousand different directions sometimes. Sometimes I need to be babied. Sometimes I feel the desire to baby others. Sometimes I need to be strong. Sometimes I need to cry. Sometimes I need to hold others while they cry. Sometimes I need to have "me" time. Sometimes I need connection with others. It's a neverending continuum, and it's confusing....it's exhausting, I'll admit it. Struggling to make sense of it all, I sat down with a friend last week and began to sort through my feeling...

.....I got a little overwhelmed yesterday. It was a melancholy day, anyway, rainy and 50 degrees all day long. I had planned to stay inside the whole day, which sometimes is a welcome respite....but yesterday, getting out and about would have been glorious. I had one of my "bad" days pregnancy-wise, and Gardner had one of his irritable days. I'm still not sure what causes those....I understand we can all have "our days." I don't know whether it's because he's an hour short on sleep, whether it's a molar pushing through, or whether it's just that he gets bored and stir-crazy (like me sometimes). Either way, it's not fun for either of us. I have been having weird headaches with this pregnancy, which I didn't have the first time. The only thing that makes them "go away" is a nap (well, not go away entirely, but it lets me escape them for 45 minutes or however long I snooze). I was ten seconds away from drifting off yester...

"Don't you see that children are God's best gift? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Your enemies don't stand a chance against you; you'll sweep them right off your doorstep." (Psalm 127:3-5, The Message Bible)

Ken and I have tried to be conservative in our toy-buying for Gardner. We didn't want him to end up with too many, lest he become spoiled (or so the theory goes), OR lest we become overrun with the mass of it all. I think the latter fear has become realized. Every night, I put away every trinket, every ball, every puzzle piece, every felt piece, every MegaBlok. It never fails that I will find a plastic spoon, an arm off of a plastic monkey, or a board book in a weird location later that evening (under the dining room hutch, tossed inside our bathtub, inside one of my shoes). I laugh, yes....but deep down, I realize that these little pieces of things are beginning to infiltrate our house in a way that's downright uncontrollable. When did it come to this? The problem is that he still plays with ALL of it. Before Christmas, I sat down with a big box and swore to place every toy in it which Gardner hasn't touched in a month. After ten minutes and still holding an empty b...

When your child starts to mimic everything you do, it takes you much by surprise. One day, they're sitting there, innocently cooing and just taking it all in. Suddenly, you drop a bag of groceries and say something seemingly tame ("Oh, darn.") When your child looks up and repeats that phrase, you realize you have to shape up, and fast. (Of course, I haven't had this exact thing happen to me yet....but I've heard other parents telling of their experiences. So far, Gardner's just imitating the stuff that's okay to mimic.) I read him a book and make silly noises for the cars and trains. Minutes later, he's re-reading it to himself, making the "clang clangs" and "toot toots" and "bbbrrrrrrrs!" that I had earlier. I clap along to a certain song on the radio, and he starts to clap along to any music he hears, even musak being piped through department store speakers. I hear some good news and throw my hands in the air, tri...

Here's the first "belly shot" of Baby #2: Link

I took Gardner for his 15-month checkup today. I let Ken hold him down this time when the three shots were delivered to his little legs. I stood at his head and rubbed his hair, wiping his tears. I cried almost as much myself. I kept telling myself that this would only hurt for a little while....and the pain is relatively small compared to what might happen if I were to resist this tradition and he were to develop the full-blown illness later on. I had to remind myself that this little bit of pain was ensuring that something worse wouldn't come to visit that would hurt even greater. Sometimes we have to do preventative measures that don't feel very good (such as dental cleanings, shots, and even pore cleansing masks). Yet in the long run, it hurts a great deal less than what it might feel like if we were to neglect these things. Funny how things like this never really make it to the front of your thoughts until you become a parent and have to rationalize things to make it c...

I finally did it. I sat down and went through our thousands of computer photos that we've taken over the past year. I picked and chose the best and the greatest, and then uploaded them to Walgreen's online one-hour photo. I drove out and got them yesterday afternoon, and now I have 68 very shiny photos sitting in my kitchen. Now....the second part. To finally put all of these pics into the scrapbook. I didn't mention that I am as far behind as August of last year. This should require a lot of glue, paper, and patience. (And free time. But where in the world am I gonna get that??)

I have been so insanely busy lately that I just haven't had time to go through and keep up with the blogs that I used to enjoy reading weekly. Today, however, in honor of the pouring rain outside, I did just that. I forced myself to put tasks aside and actually read for enjoyment, and I caught up on the blogs I most enjoy....namely, motherhood blogs. If you care to see the few that I go through and read, here they are. Maybe you will want to bookmark them as your own weekly favorites, as well. A Proverbs 31 Woman Haply Thinking Happy Mom Life as a Stay at Home Mom Life With Little Women Thoughts of Home The Well-Traveled Path Wenjomatic A Day in the Life of a Stay at Home Mom

So, today we had big plans. We were excited about heading to my 2nd cousin's house about an hour away for the annual "Sunday after Christmas" family reunion that we always attend. Gardner was a peach. He even went down for a late morning nap, and so he woke up refreshed and ready to ride. Once we got there, everything changed. He wanted to play in the fireplace (which is a Colonial-style open hearth with a fire going at the time). He wanted to climb the two wooden staircases unattended. He wanted to run in the backyard, but only if we'd let him play with the barbed wire fence that lined the property. The only things he would eat without throwing were crackers and sweet potatoes. Needless to say, I was devastated. In all honesty, this was the first time I have ever been embarrassed in public because of my child's behavior. It is partly understandable that he'd have a short fuse due to his molar that's coming in right now....but it quickly became ap...